dis·cour·age·ment

dis·cour·age·ment (noun) the state of being deprived of courage or confidence.

This word defines Philip James Smallwood’s existence today. I don’t know what I was thinking or how I could ever have miscalculated something as thoroughly as I have miscalculated recent events in my life, but I am bone dead tired and finding it tough to buck up and face another day.

I am sure I have felt this way before but the clouds have settled extra-densely around me and my memory refuses to show me when that might have been! It’s a bit like having the drain plug of my "optimism bathtub" yanked and me sitting helpless as the little hole swallows all of my creativity and fervor. Last night, one final tornado-shaped little water swoosh left me sitting in an empty tub...

Teaching is difficultly demanding and has days where my human limitations insist that I cannot possibly adjust myself even one more iota in my attempts to meet the kids where they need me to be. But tomorrow is racing toward me and I must meet it, because, "ready or not...here it comes!"

An old song by Evie is singing in my mind:

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord,
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea.
When I cry for help, oh, hear me Lord and hold out Your hand.
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord,
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee.
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

I like to end my blog posts with something positive but don’t have any little positive nuggets left as they floated down the drain spoken of above...remember me in your thoughts and prayers.