Big Fish

So I'm sitting on the couch of my lovely in-laws, Martin and Nancy Goodpasture in The Villages, FL. This is the first visit to the Orlando area when I didn't saunter to Disney World or Universal Studios...and GAY DAYS are happening just as I type! Boy did I ever mess things up this time!!

Before Terrance and I flew to Florida, I just finished piano/conducting the run of a hauntingly beautiful musical, Big Fish. This is the first musical I have directed for Playhouse Merced, a company that I began my theatre experience with 37 years earlier when I auditioned for Frederick in THE SOUND OF MUSIC at CSU Stanislaus. Back then, the young theatre company was called Central California Conservatory Theatre (or "Triple C-T"). I was 13 and my voice was in the middle of a very long change. The audition day didn't go all that well, as this obedient Assemblies of God minister's son, had resisted the sinful urge to dance until that morning of auditions. I remember that my audition number was #10 but I remained in the lobby with Joanne trying to get my feet to dance the Ländler until I was finally sent in with the #60 group. Due to my voice changing, I couldn't sing, "Do Re Mi," in the key of C and asked the audition accompanist to play it in G for me (how naive was I)! Ever kind, Yvonne Field transposed it for me. That night when I didn't receive a call-back, I was crushed and called my choir teacher (Madelyn Maechler) who pulled a few strings and the next morning I received a call from Sandra Dinse, inviting me to the morning call-backs...I was the rehearsal accompanist and played the altar boy in the Wedding.

CCCT profoundly changed my life, as it allowed me to find a place of belonging (in the beginning, I honestly suspected that my parents found a way to pay the people at CCCT to be kind to me, since my experience there was lovely compared to my life at school) and also allowed me to see what being gay was like for people in the non-pentecostal world. I also made wonderful friends and learned so so much from Yvonne Field and Sandra Dinse.

But on to BIG FISH. BIG FISH connected with me in such profound ways as, both a son and as a father. The story addresses parental fallibility and forgiveness. I have found myself needing to forgive and also asking for forgiveness and this show tugged me on both fronts! I wish two people had been able to see the show, but somehow couldn't manage to get either of them there. But, OH, was it good to be back! Playhouse Merced had a few transformations from CCCT to PHM, but my heart, again, found it to be a place of welcome and belonging for my soul...and the story we were telling couldn't have been more personally meaningful!

Shortly after my arrival in Florida, PHM asked me to musically-direct ROCK OF AGES; so I have a few weeks before we hold auditions and begin rehearsals. ;)

Throwing Verbal Rocks

Imagine if I were walking down a road and there was a group of people walking along with me but on the other side of the road who were all throwing rocks and shouting things at me.  As I began to jog in an attempt to get away, the crowd began jogging, too and as I was hurrying I was using my hands to shield my face, yelling, “Stop!” over and over.  Then, imagine that our travels caused us to come upon you across the street from me and you realized that the people throwing rocks at me were some of your friends, maybe even family members.

Would you not try to prevent them from throwing the rocks at me by knocking them from their hands, jumping and using your hands to block rocks from being thrown across the street?  If you had a walking stick would you not use it to hit the rock-throwers, or an umbrella, would you not offer it to me as a form of shelter amid the onslaught being hurled toward me?  If that didn’t stop the rocks, would you not cross the street and help shield me with your hands and body?

Or would you just walk along with your friends, passively saying, “I’m sorry that they’re throwing rocks, Phil, but I don’t agree with them.  I am not throwing rocks, so i am not to blame.”

Now imagine that I was just walking along, living my life, doing the best I could to be a member of our society.  And imagine that instead of throwing rocks, your friends were yelling untrue things about me and cursing me.  Hearing what was being said, you knew that it was all lies and hate.  Would you not speak up for me and tell them to stop their lies?  Or would you walk along side your friends silently thinking, “I’m sorry that they’re saying those things, Phil, but I don’t agree with them. I am not saying those things, so I am not to blame.”

This is the way I feel when people close to me attend churches where lies are told about gay people or who vote for candidates who peddle untrue things about me and my family.  Don’t my friends and family understand that there are two sides of that street: mine and the attackers.  It is painful to watch how often some of the people closest to me aren’t willing to defend me, instead remaining in institutions that bring pain into my life.

Where are you?  Are you doing all you can to help or are you silently going along with the hurtful flow?

Where have I been?

I was a rather faithful blogger for a good little while and then life finally caught up with me and DEMANDED that I look pretty deep inside myself! Frankly, I didn't like everything that I saw and have been working on me...way deep on the inside. As I write this, I'm sitting at the Washington Dulles Airport waiting with Terrance (my partner of 15 years) for our flight to SFO. We left SFO on 6/4 until 6/11, then visited Terrance' parents until yesterday. Terrance and I got married October 27, 2008 and,during this trip, we finally found wedding bands that we like. When I get home, we'll post a picture for you to see them...I like them because they don't have diamonds in them and they have a very masculine design. This trip was especially fun because I had a chance to reconnect with Kathy Morison...she's a theatre friend from the past. It was so fun to recount the days from the past with her! Well that's about all for now; thanks for reading. Love yourself every day!