musix4me

Wisdom of Fortune Cookies

2011-01-10T01:23:00.000-08:00

We spent the evening with great friends recently, and this is a sample of the fortunes we found in our cookies. As always, we resisted the urge to add, "...in bed..." after each one. Do your best to resist that urge, too, though the last two are particularly funny when you add that phrase.

Today, we had brunch with the family and spent the day with my sweet great-niece, Audrey Claire looking for those just-not-quite-so-popular crazy bands that kids wear around their wrists. We got pedicures (me) and Chloe got a manicure, then we fed the ducks at CSUS (they are really hungry so you go feed them, too!), then watched an instant download netflix movie. A lovely, thankful Sunday with my daughter at the helm. I hope that my brother, Mark, looks down at us and notices how much more-closely we try to group together and how often we do it since he surprised us by going on to Glory. I cherish my family all the more, knowing that our days are numbered and we don't know what number might be our last one.

Christmas thoughts

2010-12-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

Self-love is really something that I’m working on right now. Even though chronologically, I am forty-four years old, there is this fifteen year old little kid inside of me who is frantically attempting to learn how to love and value himself...not for what he does, but just for being the human he is.

This Christmas, it has been my opportunity to experience numerous blessings; the love of my partner and the love of my two glorious children, the acceptance of my family and close friends, and even the appreciation of current and former students. I sit here with a relatively new laptop, typing my somewhat heady, thoughts in this warm home with a machine that’s actually washing the dishes we dirtied earlier as we ate with friends a few hours ago. Sadly, there are others in this very same zip code with me tonight who are huddled close to a building for protection from the rain and cold...we take ourselves far too seriously and I am struck this Christmas with the many blessings I have in my life.

To my friends and family, thank you for giving of yourselves to make my life brighter! You put up with my dumb humor and accept me as I frantically chase my tail around in circles trying to believe in and embrace that acceptance. Thanks, God, for the demonstrated love you’ve placed in my life...please be with those people who are alone right now, whether physically or emotionally. Ease whatever “rain” is in their life and change the direction of their own “wind” so that they are secure in Your restful embrace.

Love-colored Glasses

2009-04-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

Following Mark's funeral, I came to the conclusion that I need to write the sermon that will be preached at mine. Honestly, I just can't be certain that some yahoo minister won't come in and hijack the proceedings, subjecting my closest friends and family to their own pride-filled rant and saying things that I don't agree with! Since I plan to be cremated, I won't have the option of just sitting up in my coffin on the spot to redirect things and lodge my complain; thus the need to write that sermon while I'm here, attempting to be in control. To that end, I'm pondering the things I want to include in that sermon.

I woke early today and I was overcome with the love of God in my life and how my understanding of that love and acceptance has shaped my adulthood. As a child and in my early adulthood, my concept of God was harsh, judgmental, distant, and angry. I went to bed every night, certain that Jesus would return while I slept and I wouldn't be taken in the rapture because of some sin that I had neglected to confess during my bedtime prayers.

I will interject here that I always hoped Jesus would return in the night since I'm so deathly afraid of heights and I thought I might be able to manage floating up in the air to meet Jesus if it were dark outside...if Jesus returned in the daytime, you all know that I would die of cardiac arrest on the ascent...looking down to see the ground getting smaller and smaller!

Back to my sermon. I was a good kid who attempted to do right all the time, who didn't need to be spanked because knowing that my parents were disappointed in me was devistating! I was caught in "The Best Little Boy In The World" trap (google it...it's a GREAT BOOK!) However, my concept of God was unnecessarily harsh and was the product of growing up in a legalistic religious tradition where, under the guise of preventing other Christians from backsliding, we were raised with permission to watch everybody's outward appearance and outward expression. Were people dressing appropriately and did they come to church on Sunday nights? Did they
smoke or drink or go to movies or dances? Judging others and having them judge us was a constant and it was ingrained and expected.

Later in my life, as I finally came to terms with being myself, I was introduced to the embrace and the grace of God. This was a rather pain-filled time of great turmoil where, like peeling an onion, I shed most of the layers that made up my understanding of God to find that, deep inside God, there was this fountain of unmerited favor (grace). I have now experienced God's love of me in a deep, abiding fashion and it has changed everything about how God and I relate. Certainly, you know someone who lived in the home of an angry, controlling father who didn't express his love and acceptance for/of his children and for whom the kids could do no right. Those children often grow up emotionally stunted and unsure of how to be successful in relationships. Likewise, we people who grew up with the harsh, judging God are spiritually stunted.

I now know that God sees Philp Smallwood through love-colored glasses; viewing my daily happenings through the love -hue and concerned with how I express love. Do I displease God? Certainly I must, but I'm now certain that any displeasure is based on what happens inside my heart, rather than what happens outside myself. I hope that those people I care about most are able to experience the grace and love and delight of God in who they are at their very core because it is the source of such abiding peace. Like a child who is teased at school might look forward to their mother's embrace upon arriving home, many of us are able to exist while being outwardly judged looking forward to our God's embrace upon arriving home. May you know that God's love of you is all-reaching and all-embracing today.

You've Got A Friend

2009-04-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

As the last bit of Spring Break speeds off, I find myself reflecting about where I am tonight. It has been relaxing to not have to work and to allow myself free time to "float" about life. Tomorrow is church which will be busy and then I know I'll blink for a second to find Monday morning here with students to teach.

Last night, I played the piano at the Vintage Lounge and Piano Bar (110 W. Main Street, Turlock, California) where I play Friday nights from 7 - 11 pm. I play for about 3 1/4 hours and about half of the way through the evening, I have usually cleared my mind enough to put my hands on auto pilot...that's when it really gets fun for me because I kind of become one with the piano, turning off my thoughts and just experiencing the lyrics of the songs that my fingers are singing. I don't know how that happens but it reminds me of driving long distances in the night fog where your mind can just kind of "check out" and suddenly you find yourself at home.

Last night, I played some Carol King when a customer asked me to play You've Got A Friend. I love that song...I jokingly tell my friends that I'm going to record myself singing it and that I want it played at my funeral. Even though I'm joking, I'm probably going to do it...I just love the reminder that, even in death, I will still be with my family and friends if they just stop and ask for my spirit to join them.

You've Got A Friend

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.

You just call out my name, and you know whereever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend

If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.

repeat chorus

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
When people can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend
Youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know you've got a friend.

A Perfect Day

2009-04-05T22:13:00.001-07:00

Today, my family traveled to my brother, Mark's favorite fishing spots and scattered his ashes. We drove in a big caravan, stopping for brunch and lunch, then walking down to a peaceful, absolutely beautiful spot to take turns returning Mark's ashes to nature. We all collected rocks to bring home with us to remember the spot and we even memorized the location in our GPS unit so we can return when we want.

During the drive, we told stories about my brother's impact on our lives and read the many postings from friends and relatives left on the www.modbee.com & www.allenmortuary.com websites.

Except for the absence of my brother Mark, this was a perfect day and one that I am so grateful I was able to share with my loving brother and other family members!

As we were driving we recognized the driveway to a cabin that my family used to own and drove up to the cabin (about seven vehicles) and met the current owner, stopping to take a group picture out in front.

Mark Brian Smallwood

2009-04-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

My oldest brother, Mark died very suddenly during his sleep on Tuesday morning. He would have been 53 years old later this month. I have lived around death and dying all of my life; my father was a pastor in a small town and he conducted most of the funerals. I attended many of them and and sang or played the piano often. As a result of those experiences, though sad, I often remain almost unimpacted when someone dies, knowing that what's left is just the vessel that they resided within during their time here with us on Earth.

Losing Mark, my sibling is entirely different. Mark was the most generous person I have ever known, in both his resources but also in his love. Since Mark was about 10 years older than I, we weren't all that close when I was growing up...he was driving by the time I remember much at all. He went off to college and got married; we were family, but we weren't really that close until later, after living and struggling through some of the messiness of our lives.

Mark had such an infectious smile and found joy in making others laugh. The lies he has told, just to see how far he can string me or someone else along are greater than the hairs on our head. To be with Mark was certain joy and I was always so embarrassed at how verbal he was in his pride at my accomplishments. He was such a very special, loving human and I already miss him more than I can begin to comprehend.

Like I have never longed before, I long for the time when I will see him again in Heaven, and hope that the Heaven procedures are such that we can reconnect with those who have gone on before and allow our spirits to catch up with one another. We were always taught that Heaven would be a place of constant praising God...that's fine but I hope there are a few moments to commune with one another first. I hope that I have been able to convey my love and admiration for Mark in our adult friendship since he has made such a large impact on my life today. I am a better human because of his love and his fingerprints will forever be impressed upon my soul.

I love you, Mark and miss you already!

You can't buy people's love OR their loyalty!

2009-03-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

I have spent my life trying to be good enough, polite enough, talented enough, self-denying enough, religious enough, concerned enough, and you-name-it enough in an effort to "buy" the love and loyalty of those people sharing the space of my life. This has been an entirely unconscious process until about 14 months ago. That's when I first came to the understanding that the love, appreciation, and loyalty of the people around me cannot be bought, no matter how effectively I attempt to meet their needs. This was a tough realization for me and took some deliberate reflecting to process...at the time, it kind of knocked my feet out from under me since I was forced to try and find another manner of relating to those people in my life.

Why then, do I find myself learning this exact same lesson again?! When will I learn? Am I deemed to fall back into this same damned trap over and over again? Everyone else in my life does what is best for them FIRST and their most-diligent concern is about protecting themselves most of the time. It really doesn't matter the sacrifices I have made on their behalf...their job is to look out for their best interests. I must adopt this view of life and assure that my needs are being met and that I am in a healthy place before I galavant off to solve the problems of my little world. I hope that there's a way for me to look out for my own best interests and STILL do kind things for those people around me...if not, I'm gonna really, really struggle with implimenting this lesson!

Anyway, be warned...I've re-realized this truth and it might hurt a little bit.

Count Your Blessings

2008-11-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done

Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your blessings see what God has done
Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your many blessings see what God has done

Are you ever burdened with a load of care
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear
Count your many blessings every doubt will fly
And you will be singing as the days go by

When you look at others with their lands and gold
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold
Count your many blessings money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high

So, amid the conflict whether great or small
Do not be discouraged God is over all
Count your many blessings angels will attend
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end

1. Loving family
2. Employment
3. Our home
4. Friendly neighbors
5. I am skinny
6. College Avenue Congregational Church
7. St. Francis Episcopal Church
8. La Morenita
9. Linus, Lucy, Mabel, & Eliza
10. Facebook
11. TIVO
12. My 2003 Saturn L300
13. Medical Insurance
14. I am a musician
15. Disney World
16. Disneyland
17. Europe Trip Twice

(to be continued tomorrow)

Post #15: Party in Vallejo

2008-11-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

We just got home from a quick trip to the Bay Area. One of my dear friends from many moons ago had a party and invited us over. Annie and I have found each other on Facebook and there were a bunch of other old friends at the party - what a fun time to catch up with them all! I'm pooped and need to get to bed but am so happy that we made the drive over to Vallejo and that I've had the chance to check in with so many friends.

Blessings to all.

Post #14: Type to you tomorrow

2008-11-14T15:40:00.001-08:00

I wish I could think of something to write today since I made a pledge to blog every day this month. It is a rarity for me to be speechless but that's where I find myself this afternoon...completely spent and without inovative thought. Thank God the weekend is here since I will now have a couple of days to recharge. Hope you all have a fun weekend.

Type to you tomorrow.

Post #13: I am now officially an old fart!

2008-11-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am now officially an old fart! It is just 6:35 pm and I have already begun the process of going to bed, planning out the few remaining activities I need to complete, turning on the electric blanket, taking my shower, then slipping between those sheets. I'm only 42 but today's six rehearsals really took their toll and I need to sleep 'em off.

Post #12: What is the meaning of the wind?

2008-11-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

What is the meaning of the wind
As it soars to places long and far away?
It flies with strength and beauty
Weaving us a new tomorrow from today.
What is the meaning of the wind?

How can we follow where it flies,
Within life's deepest vallies or the highest mountain skies,
The breezes blowing, taking with them tears and sighs.
Allowing us a new beginning after seasons full of cries.

Shall we float or fight?
Should we go and learn and see?
Or rather stay, remain and hold on tight to who we used to be?
Do we need to feel the comfort of today?
Or should we grasp the wind and fly so far away?

What is the meaning of the wind?
We need the healing of the wind.
O send the wind, the beautiful wind;
O come the powerful beautiful wind.

What is the meaning of the wind?

Post #11: Who Am I?

2008-11-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I was invited to join the cast of a dinner show presented by Modesto Performing Arts. It was in February 1981 and I turned 15 years old on one of the performance nights. All the other performers were adults so it was an honor to have them invite me to perform with them; there are some very funny stories to tell about that show and the rehearsal process...and the costumes!!!!!

A few lyrics from one of the songs we sang in that show have remained stuck in my memory and they return to haunt me from time to time. Through the power of the internet, I just found the entire lyric and have quoted it below.

From time to time, I feel that this lyric accurately displays some of the feelings I have about my life. At 42, it's normal for a man to question where he is and whether he's really making a difference in the world. I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different if I had made better, freer choices when I was much younger.

Would I be here? Would I be doing what I do? Largely, I must admit that I don't think I would be here and I'm almost certain that I wouldn't be doing what I do.

What happens if you think that, many years ago, when you encountered two roads diverging in a yellow wood, that you took the easy, well-traveled road and you wish you could go back and take the less-traveled road...the one that makes all the difference?

Who Am I?

The buildings reach up to the sky
The traffic thunders on the busy street
The pavement slips beneath my feet
I walk alone and wonder "Who am I?"

I close my eyes and I can fly
And I escape from all this worldly strife
Restricted by routine of life
But still I can't discover "Who am I?"

I long to wake up in the morning
And find everything has changed
And all the people that I meet
Don't wear a frown

But every day is just the same
I'm chasing rainbows in the rain
All the dreams that I believe in
Let me down

Maybe I'm reaching far too high
For I have something else entirely free
The love of someone close to me
Unfettered by the world that hurries by
To question such good fortune, who am I?

Post #10: Monday

2008-11-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

Today went well.

Post #9: The Weekend Came

2008-11-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

The weekend came, it's almost gone,

I wonder where it went?
Kind of like my paycheck,
Remind me where it's spent.

The dogs are running round the house,
Tearing up the place,
In my lap and coming close,
To try and lick my face!

Will work tomorrow be a blast,
Or will it be a bust?
You'll know for sure on Monday night,
If in this blog I cussed!

The weekend came, then waved adieu,
Though church today was sweet.
I'm tired beat, I'm tuckered out,
And off to prop my feet.

Post #8: The Lovliness of Paris

2008-11-08T08:49:00.001-08:00

The loveliness of Paris
Seems somehow sadly gay
The glory that was Rome
Is of another day
I've been terribly alone
And forgotten in Manhattan
I'm going home to my city by the bay.

I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me.
To be where little cable cars
Climb halfway to the stars!
The morning fog may chill the air
I don't care!

My love waits there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home to you, San Francisco,
Your golden sun will shine for me!

It's a rather cold, frosty morning here in San Francisco. We made a last-minute trip to the Bay Area to get away and, oh but it is refreshing! Crisp, comfy bedding (with a triple layer blanket) and a rain-style shower head made for a relaxing evening. This morning, we had breakfast in a divey little place, huddled around the smallest little end-table-ish table and enjoyed deliciously fresh fruit, Belgian waffles, & scrambled eggs with bacon and cheese. Add to that my requisite freshly-brewed iced tea, and I suspect that's what the food in Heaven will be like!

Having never lived in a big city, I love the anonymous-ness of being in one. Every time I visit a large city I'm impressed by the way the large-city-folk respect personal space even when there's obviously not enough space to go around, and I love the standing-ovation-bravo-yelling way that the diversity of fellow humans is applauded when milling amongst the skyscrapers. Someday I'm going to live in a big city with long overcoats, scarves, knit hats, and gloves...the whole shebang! In the meantime, I will have to just visit when the glass of my small-city life overflows and I need to get away from the small-city folk.

Now we're off to join the tourists at Fisherman's Warf, then we'll tool about in the city by the bay and do our best to not leave our hearts here when we drive back home. Can you hear me humming the chorus of that Tony Bennett tune as I drive away?

Post #7: A dumb poem about the day

2008-11-07T21:23:00.001-08:00

November 7th has waved goodbye,
And sitting here exhausted, I
Can prop awake one single eye
To see the things I'm typing.

I went to work at multi-sites
Coaching notes from wrongs to rights,
Then took a sec to scarf some bites,
While hearing parents griping.

And now I prep to join the bed,
Fluffy pillows 'neath my head,
Release concern & clear the dread,
My mem'ry I am wiping.

Post #6: Are we really progressive?

2008-11-06T06:36:00.001-08:00

I am already tired of hearing how progressive we are now that we have elected the first black president of the United States. While I recognize the obvious significance, I can’t help but point out the hints of racism that lurk within our self-congratulation. Really, we elect humans to office and I continue to be baffled that in 2008 there is anyone who would have any need to even notice that Barack Obama is black. People are people...the color of a person’s skin is as un-news-worthy as the color of his eyes, the color of his hair, or the size of his feet. Can you imagine us talking about how progressive we are to elect a person with green eyes to the presidency? The color of the eyes and the color of the skin are both just tiny little tweaks of the human DNA.

Humans share the same blood in their veins, pumped by the same hearts in their chests, controlled by the very same brain wiring in their heads...no matter the color of their skin! How can we hail ourselves for being progressive when we even notice the color of our new president’s skin. We should be congratulating ourselves for electing such a fine human and I long for the day when race isn’t even a consideration as we interact with each other. We will truly be progressive as a nation when we are unconcerned with the race of the people in our lives and we interact with humility and grace because we’re dealing with fellow humans.

Post #5: Beloved, let us love one another

2008-11-05T05:07:00.000-08:00

There is a very old song from my childhood days at my father's church that has been bouncing around in my head for the last week or so. I wish I played the guitar well enough to record it and post it since I can't find a recording on the web and it's way too old for iTunes. It's a scripture song, which means that it's a direct setting of the King James translation of this verse. I have bittersweet feelings about last night's election; some of it went well and other parts...not so good. As humans and as fellow followers of Christ, I wish we could all embrace these simple words:

Beloved, let us love one another
(echo: Let us love one another),
For love is of God, and every one that loveth
Is born of God, and knoweth God.

He that loveth not
(echo: loveth not),
Knoweth not God,
For God is love (echo: God is love),

Beloved, let us love one another,
First John four, seven and eight.

(REPEAT UNTIL WE BELIEVE AND LIVE IT)

Today is a tough day. I will re-post a scripture from a few days ago that is comforting to my weeping heart. I have added bold to the parts that are comforting to me particularly:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:35-39

Post #4: Don't Get Your Panties In A Big Fat Wad

2008-11-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

I enjoy composing and arranging music and I often describe the process of writing a song like having a baby. The song starts bouncing around inside of me and eventually it's going to come out whether I like it or not. Most of my compositions just kind of happen and I've learned it's best to sit down and write them down otherwise they just echo in my head over and over, driving me toward the brink of insanity from the repetition.

While I was on one of the senior trips with Johansen (I went 13 times while I was on staff there), I "birthed" this dumb little song. It's intentionally country-fied and ignorant...if I ever recorded it, there would necessarily be a steel guitar part and a big key change going into the last chorus. I used to sing it to my students at Johansen and we all got a big laugh, especially Kathleen. I would really enjoy hearing her sing these words to me again and the laughter that would inevitably follow the final note. I do miss the fond relationships I had with those Johansen students!

Don't Get Your Panties In A Big Fat Wad

Life can sure be crazy,
Life can be a mess.
The in's and out's without a doubt,
Can fill your life with stress.

Don't let your courage fail you,
Don't give your cares a nod.
Don't get your panties
In a big fat wad

CHORUS
Don't get your panties in a big fat wad,
Just leave your troubles in the hands of God.
Don’t be concerned about the path you trod,
Don’t get your panties in a big fat wad.

Copyright 2006, Philip Smallwood. All rights reserved.

Post #3: I cried in church yesterday

2008-11-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

I adore my church; it's a friendly, loving, welcoming place to worship. It is like an oasis in the desert after my decade-or-so self-imposed exile from organized religion. After 28 years of hyper-organized religion, I was deeply hurt by the treatment I received from many "Christians" who I thought had been my friends. It is a joy to be part of the College Avenue Congregational Church family, full of loving people living out their faith in practical ways. Another thing I enjoy is that this church encourages the church body to wrestle with scripture and entertains any question. Gone are the days when I attend a church where I am told to just believe something that doesn't seem to be believable to me, personally.

At the end of the sermon yesterday, Pastor Michael quoted this scripture which is one of my favorites. Sitting at the piano with my back to the congregation, I fought back tears, thinking about how important this text has been to me at difficult times in my life. I'm surprised that I don't have this one memorized already. Given all that's happening with my employment and my concerns about the coming election, this seems particularly relevant to me right now and I suspect it might be helpful to others as well.

Romans 8:35-39: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written:
“For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Post #2: What is wrong with us?

2008-11-02T03:36:00.000-08:00

Traveling virtually anywhere from my house forces me to drive by a corner that is daily filled with people devoting their time to Proposition 8 in California. At least 100 people were there waving their Pro & Con signs for at least 5 hours yesterday as I was about my business of the day.

I just read that spending on this proposition will likely top $70 million dollars. What is wrong with us?! Can you imagine what a positive difference that money could make to the homeless shelters or to improve the lives of the least fortunate of our communities? Imagine the witness we would send if, instead of fighting about this senseless proposition, we got a grip on ourselves and focused on the multitude of things that we share, rather than the one thing that we don’t share? What if we all volunteered to prepare and serve warm meals to hungry people or if we passed out warm blankets and clean coats to the homeless. Instead, we have allowed ourselves to fight and argue and oppose and be hostile. While the entire premise of Proposition 8 is baffling to me, I refuse to do this any longer.

Matthew 5:39: But I tell you not to resist a wicked man, but if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well.

I will never understand that aspect of humans which causes us to think that different = wrong and I am ashamed, ashamed, A-S-H-A-M-E-D of US every time I drive by that corner. We know better but we just don’t know what we are doing.

Luke 23:34: Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them; they don't know what they're doing." Dividing up his clothes, they threw dice for them. The people stood there staring at Jesus, and the ringleaders made faces, taunting, "He saved others. Let's see him save himself! The Messiah of God—ha! The Chosen—ha!"

Day #1: National Blog Posting Month

2008-11-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well here it is November 1 and I'm wondering where 2008 went. Much has changed but much remains the same, except for my memory which is fading rapidly. Fortunately, I cope by keeping notes of my conversations and writing every stinking little appointment down in my Palm Pilot. Lord help me if I ever lose that thing since I would likely shrivel up and die!

We got some really cute dogs: Linus and Lucy and they have brightened up our home. I have included a few pictures of them to hope that they brighten up your home, too.

Dear YES on 8 people:

2008-10-31T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am perplexed, perplexed, P-E-R-P-L-E-X-E-D by the irrational conclusions of you people who are voting YES on Proposition 8. Most of you are motivated by your religious beliefs and, in an astonishing act of incongruity, have banded together with people who hold many, many, M-A-N-Y contradictory Biblical beliefs from your own...people you often despise. And why? To “protect the children.”

I must ask this question:

“Are gay parents the only parents you think will lead their children astray?”

As a former evangelical, I know that the most-conservative literally-interpreted-Bible-following-Christians believe that Mormonism is a cult. I took a class called “Cults” in Bible College and it dealt squarely with the Mormon religion. Many of those same conservative people believe that Catholic parishioners aren’t real Christians. Yet you have banded together to stamp out the gays who want to organize their lives into marriages and families and the main place of attack involves protecting the children.

Protecting the children is a hogwash reason! Here’s why:

If you believe that Catholics aren’t really Christians and that Mormons are members of a cult, the children born into those homes will be raised following a religion that doesn’t lead those kids to Christ or to Heaven. What about those children? Is the hell they face any different than the hell you believe that the children of gay men and women are going to face? Are the lives of those non-Christ-following husbands and wives any less screwed up than the lives you imagine will result when two men or two women, in love, raise children? Most certainly not, and if you profess to interpret the Bible literally, you must answer NO to that question (James 2:10).

I don't believe that gay men and women raise mixed up kids; as a teacher, I see that some of the highest achieving students in my classes are from gay parents and I also see those same kids demonstrate a love and understanding for the cares of the other students around them, a compassion that comes only from having experienced not being part of the “norm” at some point in their life. If I have a fear for them, it’s the fear that they will be ridiculed by the children of the literally-interpreted-Bible-following-Christians who are intolerant and virulent in their efforts to weed out the true Christians from the false Christians!

Proposition 8 isn’t about protecting marriage, either, otherwise it would deal with the rampant divorce rate. In fact, a 2000 study found that the divorce rate of evangelical Christians is actually higher than that of the general population! If you’re voting YES on 8 due to some Biblical interpretation, I must ask how you deal with Matthew 5:31,32, 19:3-9, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18 & Romans 7:2,3, knowing that you share the pew with adulterers and fornicators. Do you rush home every Sunday and jump into a long shower to rid yourself of the uncleanliness that might have wafted over you amongst all the sinners; those who knowingly commit ongoing sexual sin with their second or third spouse, ignoring the clear directive of the scriptures?

There used to be a television commercial from a plumbing fixture company where a husband and wife raced home, stripping their clothes off as they ran from their cars to their front door, trying to be the first into the bath...is that what happens at your house on Sundays, a mad dash for the holy water and ivory? Of course not! You go to church and share the love of Christ with all of the imperfect people there who are doing what they can to live for God and who wrestle with the scripture and how it applies to their lives. Why can't you extend that same grace to your gay brothers and sisters?

Proposition 8 is about one thing only: Proposition 8 is about giving people an opportunity to vote about whether they like or approve of gay people and their lives. This, my misguided friends, is not the role of the government...the government should treat every person the same, whether we be straight, gay, evangelical, Mormon, Catholic, black, white, smart, stupid, blind, deaf, short, tall, fat, skinny, or _______________(fill in the blank). The role of the government is to not consider those things, even when the populace salivates at the thought of being able to consider them!

No matter how much you dislike gay people and the thought that they would marry, voting YES on Proposition 8 is an act that is contrary to the most-basic tenets of our system of laws because it singles out one group of people to treat differently than the rest of the population. That is both unfair and wrong, legally. Churches are free to marry who they want to marry already (Mormons and Catholics are quite selective about who can marry and who cannot) and nothing about the current state of the law infringes on the right of a church to continue those practices.

Likewise, the California school system includes distinct provisions for parents to be able to control what their children learn about marriage and families.

Voting YES on Proposition 8 is the WRONG thing to do. Vote NO on Proposition 8.

For the record, I believe that many Mormons and Catholics and Jewish people and other despised-by-the-self-righteous-religious-elite, the outcasts, will stand with me in Heaven. The loving God I serve and the grace under which I live my life assures me so.

There is a balm...

2008-10-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

I spent a couple of hours at one of my schools tonight for parent conferences. Expecting to have some time on my hands, I took piano music to practice for my church job. I took a choir director/pianist position at College Avenue Congregational Church in Modesto about seven weeks ago and am really enjoying it so much! The choir is upbeat and funny and they are adults, which is a nice change from my day job!

During my two hours at the school, I spoke with four parents. There was plenty of time for me to practice my offertories, preludes, and postludes. If you read my blog, you probably know that I’m a bit discouraged these days...I am able to suck it up and paint on a smile most of the time, but, truly I’m crying on the inside quite a lot and what used to be a creative spark is just a faint glowing memory of that past oomph.

While waiting for parents tonight, I played through a book of gospel arrangements by Mark Hayes and came to one of my favorite hymns, There Is A Balm In Gilead. I love the text of this hymn:

There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin sick soul.

Some times I feel discouraged,
And think my life’s in vain,
But then the Holy Spirit
Revives my soul again.

There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin sick soul.

My day job continues to be a challenge and on top of that it seems that many people are taking it upon themselves to comment on and vote about the future of my life. It pains me deeply. Even people within my own family are disconnected enough from reality to use the power of their vote to bring harm to me and my family, those whom I hold most dear. I wrestle with that in my mind and just can’t come to grips with it...obviously there’s a lesson here for me but I can’t seem to find out what it is. I am discouraged and I do question whether my life is in vain...about now’s the time for that reviving part...

Come, Holy Spirit, I need thee.
Come, Sweet Spirit, I pray.
Come in Thy strength and Thy power,
Come, in Thine own special way.

Enough Said!

2008-10-16T07:26:00.001-07:00

dis·cour·age·ment

2008-10-16T05:52:00.000-07:00

dis·cour·age·ment (noun) the state of being deprived of courage or confidence.

This word defines Philip James Smallwood’s existence today. I don’t know what I was thinking or how I could ever have miscalculated something as thoroughly as I have miscalculated recent events in my life, but I am bone dead tired and finding it tough to buck up and face another day.

I am sure I have felt this way before but the clouds have settled extra-densely around me and my memory refuses to show me when that might have been! It’s a bit like having the drain plug of my "optimism bathtub" yanked and me sitting helpless as the little hole swallows all of my creativity and fervor. Last night, one final tornado-shaped little water swoosh left me sitting in an empty tub...

Teaching is difficultly demanding and has days where my human limitations insist that I cannot possibly adjust myself even one more iota in my attempts to meet the kids where they need me to be. But tomorrow is racing toward me and I must meet it, because, "ready or not...here it comes!"

An old song by Evie is singing in my mind:

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord,
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea.
When I cry for help, oh, hear me Lord and hold out Your hand.
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord,
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee.
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

I like to end my blog posts with something positive but don’t have any little positive nuggets left as they floated down the drain spoken of above...remember me in your thoughts and prayers.

There Is A Time

2008-09-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my second service as the music director at College Avenue Congregational Church in Modesto...that church is such a blessing in my life. It is a fun place to worship and God is really using it to complete a healing within me.

The church is unconventional in many ways; if you live in the Turlock/Modesto area, then you already know what I mean; it’s welcoming and affirming. The minister is really upbeat and funny and he does the most creative things with the sermons and with the children’s sermon.

Yesterday, he told the kids about a dream he had where this Church Inspector lady came to see whether our church measured up to the expectations of the church authorities. He became that lady by donning pink gloves and a very church-lady hat, complete with a stringy wig and he made his way around the Fellowship Hall noting who was dressed appropriately for church and noting that we didn’t have a normal cross in our make-shift meeting place on his little clipboard. I couldn’t help but think he looked like Dana Carvey from the Saturday Night Live Church Chat sketches. Since our sanctuary is being re-done, we’re meeting in the Fellowship Hall. His point was that people are the church, not the building, and that our group of souls is just as much a church as any other. His sermon was called Steeple Envy; the children’s portion ended with us all playing, “This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people.”

Just after the children’s sermon, Grace Lieberman sang a song that brought me to tears. There Is A Time by Craig Courtney is just a lovely piece and the accompaniment was obviously written by a pianist since it just “fits” in your hands so well! The words of that song are from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

There is a time, there is a season for every purpose under Heaven:
A time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant, a time to reap,
A time to kill, a time to heal, a time to destroy, a time to build.
There is a time, there is a time.

A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to dance,
To scatter stones, to gather stones, a time to embrace, and to refrain.
A time to search, a time to lose, a time to hold, a time to release.
There is a time, there is a time.

A time for silence, a time to speak, A time to love, a time to hate.
A time for war, a time for peace. There is a time, there is a time.

Many times during the service on Sunday, I was moved to tears; needing to lead music and play effectively, I just sucked it up and kept the tears to a small trickle, but they were really flowing on the inside, just the same.

The path of my life has been rocky at times and still, I often don’t really know what is coming next. But God whispered into my heart yesterday that at this time and at this place in my life I am in just the right spot. Though there are some who feel compelled to judge me, I answer to God and God alone and I’m fortunate to have finally realized that after all these years.

This is why I teach...

2008-09-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have just finished my fifth week teaching Junior High School Choir and had one of the neatest things happen today. Working with Junior High guys' voices can be a challenge since most of them are going through a voice change and virtually all of their voices are in different changing stages. Along the way, their singing range gets pretty small and you really have to select music carefully, easing them all along during the voice change. I spent the last three school days listening to students audition for an after-school ensemble and when I was done with that, I heard the guys sing privately to evaluate their current voice ranges.

One of the young guys is pretty active and has had trouble settling down during my class. A frequent need for my direction and attention, this young man has a history of behavior problems; his previous choir teachers have even prepared me for the coming difficulty. At one point, I considered asking his counselor to move him to another class but there was just this tugging down in my heart that I might be able to "reach" him if we hang in there.

When it was his turn to sing for me today, he was really resistant! I could see his body get all tense as he followed me to the piano; sadly, it was a little like a lamb to the slaughter. At first I just asked him to hum with me and we had a little humming contest. After he was comfortable with that, I asked him to sing those same things on "ooh," which he did. As I encouraged him, he relaxed and finally was able to sing, "mah" for me. He has the sweetest, purest tone I have heard in a long time. As I coached and praised him, I could just see his little chest puff up and see a little pride-ish glow envelope him. This is a kid that would hardly open his mouth during class and here he was singing full voice. I could have cried, both for him and for me.

His class behavior demonstrates that there are "issues" somewhere in his life. I hope that his 50 minutes in my class each day can be a place of success for him because he's obviously gifted. I'm thrilled to report that we made the start of what I believe will be a breakthrough for him. Hopefully, in June, I will be able to write that he turned the rest of his school behavior around over the course of this year as he experienced success in my class...today was the first day of that turn around and I hope that Monday will be the second day!

This is why I teach and I'm so happy I went to work today!

Fortune Cookie Fortunes (Part 2)

2008-09-13T04:36:00.000-07:00

I love to go to Panda Express and order Pot Stickers. They sell three of them for only $1.50 and they make the perfect portion for my current meals. To seal the deal, they even give you a fortune cookie which means I can find out the future and fill my tummy for only $1.50. Here are my most-recent fortune cookie fortunes for your reading pleasure:

When did "different" become "wrong?"

2008-09-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

I like to acknowledge the birthdays of the students in my classes; I imagine there's at least one student I see each day that, for one reason or another, spends their entire birthday without anyone at school knowing about it. Maybe they're shy or maybe they don't have close enough friends around them that know when their big day is. It would be sad for that to happen, so I have the students fill out a survey to tell me their birth date, then that information goes on my calendar. I am reminded when those birthdays fall and I have the class sing to them and, if it's their 16th birthday, make certain (by asking them publicly, of course) that they aren't "16 and have never been kissed." Oh the joy of watching them squirm for a second before they realize that I'm kidding and don't expect an answer. It's just one of my little pleasures in life to see that short inner question as they ask themselves, "...does he really expect me to answer that?!" It adds a little frivolity to the day and we can be sure that any student singing with me isn't forgotten on their special day.

All is well, unless I have a student who is of a faith that doesn't celebrate birthdays. Students of this faith also are limited in their ability to sing holiday and some religious music. I need to know who those students are, so I use the birthday issue as a way to invite those students to make themselves known to me.

That happened on Wednesday during class. Upon my invitation to tell me if their religious beliefs prevent them from celebrating birthdays, one very sweet student came to me and identified herself. We stepped into my office to talk and I asked her how she would like to handle holiday and religious music; I prefer it if the student will allow me to use this as an opportunity to teach the class about religious tolerance by saying something like, "...we support each other's religious beliefs and there is a student in our class who's faith doesn't permit them to sing some holiday songs. When we rehearse some music, they are going to sit down or step into my office and I want you to support them and allow it to be okay. We are a big group of students who celebrates a diversity of beliefs and it is my expectation that we will all support each other. If you have questions or concerns about this, my door is always open."

I have learned so much from my students of faiths different from mine and, just as I want people to respect my belief system even if they disagree with it, it is entirely reasonable for me to respect theirs.

Tonight, I received a short e-mail of thanks from that student for showing her that I respect her religious choice. It is sad to me that any student would need to "thank" their teacher for showing appropriate consideration to something so personal as their religious beliefs and it's sad, also, that our society is so quick to judge things that are "different" as being "wrong." I wonder when we'll learn that not everybody likes to eat Mexican food as their favorite (that's mine) or thinks that a fresh-brewed iced tea trumps anything else to drink on the planet (mine, again) or believes that the color green is prettier than all other colors (you guessed it, mine) or that our Biblical interpretation is the only way to read that important book. We should all just affirm each other's favorite "whatevers" and hold each other up, rather than tear each other down. We do this very well in most areas of our lives but, when it comes to religious tolerance, most of us fail miserably and I wish we would just all grow up and get over ourselves. The world is a beautiful place when we celebrate the diversity amongst us and that beautiful diversity extends to issues of faith just the same. We can disagree with another person's choice, but I don't understand why we can't celebrate it as their unique expression just the same. "Different" is just that: Different and, in my book, it's okay.

Teachers say the darnedest things, too!

2008-08-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

Some of the funniest things that have ever happened, happened during my teaching day! One of those things happened today.

I begin each ensemble rehearsal by giving the group a chance to practice matching pitches. I hum a note and ask them to hum or ooh it back to me. Then I follow a few of those by singing a short melody to the class and asking them to sing that back to me. It gets everyone's focus where I want it and it also gives those few singers who struggle with matching pitch an opportunity to improve upon that skill.

At the junior high school today, I entered the class about seven minutes after it began - there is a schedule conflict that prevents me from being with the class on time and Mrs. Carpenter starts the period by taking roll and supervising the kids until I arrive - anyway, I played "Be My Mirror" with the kids, then moved into the daily practice of matching pitches. I said, "Can you sing this pitch" and sang "Ooh" on a G. One young man interrupted me, blurting out, "WHAT did you SAY?" His face was all wrinkled up with a look of astonishment. I looked up and realized that he thought I said, "Can you sing this, bitch?" If you are offended by my typing the "b" word, I apologize but it was such a humorous moment and I have giggled about this all evening. Of course, I turned this into a teachable moment and quickly reviewed what "pitch" meant with the class, but the damage was done and I finally just had to go on to something else.

Ah...the weekend!

2008-08-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday, blessed Saturday. The first day of the two-day weekend and a day that is just for me to do whatever I want. If you read my last blog, you'll see that I have just finished my first week as an employee of the Turlock Unified School District. As far as first weeks go, I think it has gone well. Each of my choirs has adapted to my strong, quick pace and, when I began enforcing the Tardy Essay yesterday, nobody had to write one.

For those of you who aren't students of mine, I will enlighten you about my tardy policy:

Students who arrive late to my class without an excused note must immediately write a five-paragraph essay. The first paragraph is an introduction. The second paragraph explains the reason for their tardy. Paragraph number three discusses the impact their tardy has on the educational process at Pitman High School, particularly the educational process in my classroom. The fourth paragraph addresses what their life will be like if they maintain this pattern of tardiness into adulthood. Finally, the fifth paragraph is a conclusion. I read the essay, keep a scanned copy for my records, then mail the essay home to their parents. Parents like this policy since it keeps them informed about tardies on an immediate basis and it amazes me how quickly students can move when they are motivated to not have to write that dumb essay! At Pitman, the students have seven minutes between classes with a one-minute warning bell, so I don't see how anyone can need to be late.

Anyway, back to my week. The kids at both Pitman High School and Turlock Junior High School are great! They're funny and friendly; they ask questions and seem to be engaged in what we are doing. I've added students to each ensemble and have lost just a few. I was worried but I'm not any longer. I recently heard someone say that they approach life, "like a duck...it's smooth on top but I'm pedaling like hell underneath." That's me!

I can't imagine that I will ever catch up with the five hundred gazillion things I have on my to-do list and if this 42-year OLD brain of mine ever learns the names of all these new kids, it will amaze me. But I have had an incredibly fulfilling, quite fun week in this new job and I'm happy that I took the leap to this new endeavor!

Monday, I got a call from the office that there was a delivery for me to pick up...when I got there, it was a lovely Anthurium Plant from Grace Lieberman. Don't you just love Grace; what an unexpected treat on my first, nervous new day. Here's what she wrote on the card:

"On your first day with new & hopefully talented kids - How lucky they are." I will love Grace forever for this sweet gesture of faith (I was going to love her forever even before this, anyway, I assure you)!

To my family, friends and current and former students, I say, "Thanks for your support." This change is a big one and I feel you right behind me. The first week has gone well; only 35 more to go...

P.S. JHS Vocal Music Students: I'm thinkin' about you and hoping for a great first week for you, too! Mrs. C is amazing and I'm so happy she's going to have the joy of you guys in her life...love her and learn all that she has to teach you, and...DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BIG FAT WAD! (Especially Kathleen)

2008-08-17T18:10:00.001-07:00

So tomorrow's a pretty big day for me. After thirteen years at Johansen High School, I meet my new students at John Pitman High School and Turlock Junior High School. I have really mixed emotions because I'm actually missing my former students from Johansen and thinking about what would be different if I were preparing to return to that job. Don't get me wrong, this was the right move...I know it. Both of my new schools are filled with really great people and I have been welcomed again and again. I have met wonderful parents and every single student I've encountered has been really, really cool.

But I'm still feeling "iffy" and unsure. In the words of Terrance, "I'm peeing down both legs!" Sorry that was so graphic, but if you know me, you know that I'm graphic when being so provides just the right description. I have confidence in my teaching ability and know that most school kids I encounter think I possess just the right balance of old-fart and moderately-funny-human, along with enough musically-hip-talent to leave them thinking they can probably tolerate my quirkiness for the next 179 school days. At least in the past, I was able to settle for that assessment...but right now, it's not dooin' it for me.

I've copied my syllabi, sharpened my pencils, picked fun music, planned warm-ups, and read through all the rules and regulations for both of the new schools; I have been working in my two school rooms for most of the afternoon. I'm ready and I know that it will be fine...but I'm still nervous.

Will they laugh at my jokes?

Will they like the music I picked?

Will they know anything about solfege or how to match pitch and if they don't, what are they gonna do when I hold up my fist and expect them to sing "Do" back at me?! Or slant my flat hand upward and expect them to sing "Re" loud and clear (and in tune of course). I wonder if they know the version of "La" that I use?

Most of all, I wonder if they will forgive me when I forget their names for the tenth time or worse when I call them the wrong name!?

It must be humorous to read what's going on inside my little ADD pea brain!

My favorite hymn gets me through these times quite well.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not,
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

I feel better now...I wonder how many times I'll have to sing that between now and tomorrow morning? Will I wake up at 2 am and 3 am and 4 am and 5...if I do, I'll be singing that hymn and trying to absorb the depth of the text. And when tomorrow's done and I've finished planning Tuesday's instruction, I'll post an update to let you know I made through in one emotionally-shaky piece.

Does anyone know a second-school-day hymn? Maybe, "I'll Fly Away" or "When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder I'll Be There."

I just don't get it

2008-08-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

I recently joined a Barack Obama group on Facebook. Given my liberal political leanings, I wonder how anyone can be surprised that I'm picking him over the other Geriatric Patient. Someone I know from many, many years go took me to task since Obama is pro-abortion and, as a person who professes a belief in Christ, he didn't understand how ANY Christian could vote for a pro-abortion candidate.

While I don't plan to go into my entire rationale here, I do need to point out that I believe all politicians are corrupt! The system we have in place requires the candidates to convince us that they agree with approximately 51% of us on all the issues - that forces them to poll us to try and find out our leanings, then piece together some kind of cohesive agenda that will appeal to enough of us to get them over that 51% hump. This approach really causes us to elect people who don't really support personally what they profess to support publically and I often tell my friends that our leaders are all just effective liars. No matter what a politician says, no one is going to completely end abortion in this country...you can believe it all you want, but you're naive if you think that will EVER happen! In all honesty, we should be selecting candidates based on their ability to use their judgment effectively, trusting that they will do the very best when faced with the many challenges that leading America places upon them.

That said, I don't understand the way that so many Christian people prioritize sins and issues on behalf of God. Theologians from all major religions agree that James 2:10 (For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it) makes it very clear that sin is sin is sin is sin in the eyes of God. How then, do people make the leap from that understanding to insist that we must vote based on the abortion issue alone, when our country is so full of issues equally worthy of consideration, in light of James 2:10. I believe so firmly that George Bush and his policies have been a complete embarrassment to our country and worry that we will never recover from what he has allowed to happen. George Bush was elected largely because the ultra-conservative Christian movement backed him as a group as the anti-abortion candidate.

In my encounter with the person who objected to my vote for Obama, it was clear that we would never agree and I really didn't even try to engage him. But he wouldn't let it rest and kept pounding me over and over with his overbearing opinions. It's been a long time since I saw, firsthand, how passionately overbearing someone can be.

I don't have a problem with people who believe that ending abortion is their top priority...I just wish they didn't claim so loudly that God agrees with them and with them alone, because that's just nonsense. God isn't a Republican and he isn't a Democrat or any other party. God is love and I believe it's His desire that we love one another above all else. That's how I try to live my life...though I fall very short much of the time.

For the record, it isn't my goal to end all abortion, though I understand how other people can come to that position. Until I can decide on behalf of the world the exact time that life begins, I don't think it's my place to get into the middle of that gray area.

2008-07-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here just awash in feelings and thoughts from many years ago. Facebook has been such a neat tool that has helped me connect with friends from the past and over the last month or so I have daily "found" people from my past that I have missed.

Today, I sat across the table from Paul & Marianne Sanders; some of my very best friends from Bethany College. Marianne and I studied music and Paul lived across the hall from me. They're both such neat, genuine, loving people and, over the years, my heart has longed to know where they ended up. Facebook helped me find them, less than 30 minutes away from me...they've been there for over three years and I've been looking off-and-on for about three years. We talked about our families and the lives we have lived since we last talked...likely back in 1987 when I graduated from college. This lunch was such a sweet gift to me and I cherish the sharing we did over Mexican food!

Yesterday, I had lunch for the second time with Connie Miller, another person from my past. She and I (and the kids) had lunch last week, too. With the kids at their mom's house until tomorrow, Connie and I met to talk again, just the two of us. Connie is confident and well-spoken and so, so loving...it is a joy to sit with her and share our lives again. She and I probably haven't really communicated since 1993; both of our lives have taken some twists and turns in these 15 years, yet the conversation is so easy and free between us.

I really don't know why I have begun this quest to connect again with the people from my past...my present has some really cool people in it already. What I know is that my heart needs to be assured that those old friendships haven't died, they've just been placed on "pause."

My life is full and there are many things I should probably be doing right now, getting ready for a new school year...what AM I doing? Messing around on Facebook to see if there are other people I can locate...my iTunes is set to old music and my heart is set to old friendships. The common descriptor there is obviously OLD which, I realize is beginning to describe me.

Oh, but my heart is happy & young & free & full and I am so thankful for the memories that have flown through all these years to season my present. What in the world did we ever do before we had computers and the internet?

Fortune Cookie Fortunes

2008-06-27T07:28:00.001-07:00

I love Chinese food! Next to La Morenita's food in Modesto, Chinese food is my favorite and I could eat it almost every day. One of my favorite parts of a Chinese meal is when they bring the fortune cookies; I like cookies and I think that the fortunes are funny...even when you don't add, "...between the sheets" at the end of the printed fortune.

Years ago, just after my longer-than-eternity divorce began, I was eating some Chinese food at school and found a really funny fortune; since then I have begun a habit of saving these little tokens of wisdom. Before I left Johansen, I had many of them taped on the edges of my computer monitor. I leave some here for your reading pleasure!

For a few years, I had an amazing student T.A., Carol, who helped keep me organized; she's gone on to study music and is a fine conductor of whom I am very proud! Seeing all the fortunes taped to my computer monitor, she typed one of her own and taped it up there, waiting until I finally noticed it. It made me really laugh hard.

Bumper Stickers That Make Me Snicker

2008-06-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that bumper stickers are funny and the people who have a really quirky sense of humor usually show it in the bumper stickers that they choose. I'll never forget the first time I saw this bumper sticker as I left the movies...I went that day and ordered it so I could put it on my car.

Last summer, I ran into William Sled (YouTube's Ask A Gay Guy) in NYC and he was wearing a button that made me laugh...I ordered another bumper sticker and put it on my car which was frustrating to some of my neighbors. I also found some other great ones that I put in a file so I can rotate them on my car one-at-a-time since I think that people with too many stickers on their car look like fanatics.

As I'm sure you expect, I don't believe that George Bush holds any market-share as the Christian candidate (you can find YouTube videos of him cussing and flipping the camera off) and I think there is great truth to this one which I proudly displayed on my car.

Which was briefly replace by this one except that too many people couldn't "get" it...it should have said "DRAFT THE TWINS."

I took it off and put the next one on which I like a lot.

However, the best-of-all bumper sticker is coming soon...watch for it because it will really revolutionize your life...and hopefully will make you laugh, too!

FightTheSmears.com

2008-06-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

A few weeks go, one of my students told me how upset she was to hear that Barack Obama refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Immediately, I knew that couldn't be the truth and pulled up a YouTube posting of him reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to settle her little gullible heart. It is just amazing to me how innocently gullible people can be and also how determined the smear people are to defeat someone in any way possible!

I was sent a link to this site which is desgined to debunk many of the myths swirling around about Barack Obama. The e-mail also included this very humorous text from another e-mail using information from this website. I hope you find it as funny as I did.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Redacted]

To: [Redacted]

Subject: WHO IS BARACK OBAMA?

There are many things people do not know about BARACK OBAMA. It is every American's duty to read this message and pass it along to all of their friends and loved ones.

Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.

A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.

Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.

Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.

Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Somebody Missed The Point

2008-06-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

My son went to band camp tonight; he's an amazing saxophone player and got a full scholarship to band camp again this year. I'm excited that he decided to stay on campus and hope he has a great two weeks making friends and staying in the dorm. His sister and I took him to camp and helped him move into his room; I helped him make his bed and unpack his clothes into the dresser and closet. When I used the bathroom, I saw this sign above the toilet and had to laugh because someone really missed the point of having a low flush toilet when they posted this sign. I'm all for conservation and believe that we need to all be doing our part, but I also think that toilets need to do their part, too! If this toilet isn't able to do its "thing" properly and has to be flushed more-often, then is it really saving any water?

Father's Day & Daschunds

2008-06-15T19:19:00.001-07:00

Since I sang at College Avenue Congregational Church this morning, then played the piano for the St. Francis Episcopal Church service this afternoon, my parents over for a Father's Day chili dinner and brought their two cute daschunds, Heidi & Foxy, with them. My daughter held Foxy & I took this picture.

It is such a joy to be a father and I thank God that I have my two children. I hope that all the fathers I know had a wonderful day with their families today.

Funny Political Cartoons

2008-06-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

I hope you think these cartoons are as funny as I do...I continue to believe that anyone who is involved in politics is corrupt and that, when we vote, we're just picking the less-corrupt of the whole cesspool. It's a really sad state of affairs!

Finding Long Lost Friends

2008-06-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

This has been a year of reflection. At 42, I've spent quite a bit of my energies coming to terms with myself (again...this time as a skinny man); part of that has involved my growing awareness that I have lost touch with significant people in my past. I miss my college friends, former students, and my professors!

About 8 weeks ago, I went back to my college town and spent a few hours on the college campus re-experiencing that past life. It was an empty Sunday afternoon when I walked around the dorms and practice rooms. I was even able to sit in Craig Chapel all alone, playing my favorite hymns, remembering what it was like to go to recitals and to chapel there. During my Junior & Senior years, I was also the Minister of Music at the campus church which met in Craig Chapel. Later that day, I called Kathy Wilson (a sweet college professor who was also my Craig Chapel accompanist) and spent about an hour catching up with her, then had a nice phone chat with June Barber (my college voice teacher). Through them, I found Darrel Johnson (my college conducting teacher - a most significant mentor from those days). Coming home from that trip, I was even more aware that many of my college friends were elusive...I didn't know where they ended up and/or whether they had new married names. No matter how much I wanted to find them, I couldn't muster up a google search that found them...

THANK GOD FOR FACEBOOK!

Because of my new job at Pitman High School, I created a FACEBOOK profile and within 48 hours I located many friends I've been longing to see...some for over a decade! Almost daily, more friends find me and we begin the process of reconnecting. This has been a week of utter joy to hear how my friends are doing and where they are today. I'm so, so happy to have reconnected with this past part of myself, seeing how my current self and that past self really fit together.

I have such a crazy background and I sometimes wonder how I ended up where I am today...it's a testimony to the fact that we all evolve and that the plan from above will work itself out if we just step out of the way. To the many people who have come back into my life, I say, "Thank you...I have needed you!" To the people who will come back into my life tomorrow or the day after that, "...Bring it on because I have missed you so!"

This made me laugh

2008-06-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

With so many people concerned about the coming election, I just found this on another website and think this is hilarious! I sure hope that someone convinces Obama to add Hillary as his Vice President since it will surely bring a landslide election and assure us that we end up with a Democrat in the White House...

The joys of education

2008-06-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm here at the college taking a class this week which will help me not have to take a huge salary cut since I have resigned from Johansen and am the new Director of Choirs at Pitman High School & Turlock Junior High School. In case you don't believe me, I have uploaded a picture of me in the actual science classroom!

The class is very easy and the guys who run it are light-hearted; they "get" the reason I'm here and are making things fun. The went to the Modesto Nuts game last night and the expectation of us as students isn't very stressful. If you have to go to a summer class, this is the one to take!

A Trip To The Grocery Store

2008-03-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

Young Man Finds Path To God At Grocery Store Check-Out!

My son and I were at the grocery store a few days ago. Waiting to check out, we found this book and I had to take a picture of it...is this really what the world has come to? Do we need a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide To Prayer cluttering up the grocery store magazine racks?

Since it's being sold, obviously, we do need this book.

The bigger question is, "What dunce is actually buying this waste of trees?

2008-03-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here at Panera in Campbell, California enjoying my breakfast with my laptop. I couldn't resist taking a picture of this elderly couple sitting across from me. He's got two laptops, a DELL and a huge MAC, working on both of them, while the women with him is working on a little PDA. He's using a manual to make some big, frustrating adjustments to his laptop and they're really animated. It's just hilarious that these people are so tech friendly at their ages, when my parents (who I think are younger) barely know how to turn on their computers. Makes me really laugh!

I actually wore these jeans!

2007-10-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Well I tried on my old fat jeans today and about died! These are 46" waist and I'm wearing 34" right now...I can't believe that these huge pants were actually tight on me! It felt so good to put them on and realize that I was swimming in them! Chloe and I are on a trip to Six Flags Discover Kingdom and we went shopping today. It was really fun to buy clothes that are flattering!

Funnies

2007-10-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

I found this in a magazine today and thought it was really funny. It's sad to me that our president is such a dork, but it's obviously fun for the political cartoon guys...

This is really well-written - read it!

2007-09-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read this in today's paper, it's really interesting and well-written. I've been gloating to see the hypocrisy of Senator Craig displayed openly for everyone to see but this commentary has challenged me to see things differently. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad that Senator Craig will likely be unsuccessful in his attempts to challenge his guilty plea, but am now able to look on him with a more-compassionate eye. I can't wait until our society just lets everyone love who they love without all this unnecessary nonsense!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/02/AR2007090200889.html

Big Changes

2007-09-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me, are probably aware that I had weight loss surgery on April 10, 2007. Having spent my entire adult life battling my weight, this has been an exciting (almost) five months! These pictures were the before and after pictures from April 6, 2007 & August 13, 2007. Since these pictures were taken, I've lost another 8 pounds and am down 86 pounds since the surgery!

The doctor's office takes "before" and "after" pictures and I was happy when they agreed to e-mail them to me. I wasn't prepared, however, for the shock of seeing myself as big as I really was! It is humiliating for me to realize that I let myself get so big before I took some action.

The initial weight loss surgery was really quite easy! It went off without a hitch and I was surprised at how little pain was involved. About 5 weeks after the surgery, I had a rough time and spent a week in the hospital getting my gall bladder removed. I'm doing very fine now...I'm eating well and am very energetic.

Before the surgery, it was difficult for me to enjoy working in the yard or doing anything when it was hot outside. Now I'm comfortable (actually, I'm cold most of the time) in the heat and enjoy swimming and riding my bike. The change in my eating has had some pretty big effects on me emotionally; until after the surgery, I didn't realize how much I used food as an emotional crutch. At first, I felt like I lost a very close friend (food) and went through a kind of grieving process for about a week. Now, I am quite aware that I have to ease up some of the stress in my life since I can't just go eat to calm myself. Don't get me wrong...I still LOVE food, but my body gives me clues about when I've had enough food and helps me know when to stop eating. My appetite has decreased quite dramatically, too!

I come from a home where everyone's weight was scrutinized pretty openly and, as a result, most of my family has issues with food. I know that this surgery is just a tool that I can use to my advantage and I'm determined to make this work long-term. I'm changing on the inside as I learn to have a more-healthy relationship with food. It's a day-to-day thing but I'm really enjoying myself and feel like this is a real turning point in my life.

Well, that's my story for now. I'm sure I'll write more as I find that people actually read what I have to say.

Well, I finally bit the bullet

2007-09-02T19:06:00.001-07:00

For a guy who is opinionated as I am, it's taken me a long time to finally begin my own blog! Friends of mine have blogs that I enjoy reading from time to time, but I haven't been motivated enough to figure out how to start my own...until today!